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The 1st Book mentioned in the 2nd book
Coded plan of the wars in Iraq and World Trade Center
SWORD STIRRUPS OF MY
ANCESTOR, THE FAMOUS ARMLESS
KNIGHT.
BOSTON 1890
LEE AND SHEPARD PUBLISHERS
IO MILK STREET NEXT “OLD SOUTH MEETING HOUSE”
NEW YORK CHARLES T. DILLINGHAM
7lS AND 720 BROADWAY
Copyright, 1889 ,
BY
INGERSOLL LOCKWOOD.
PZ7
TO
Master EDWARD GOLD JOHNES
ONE OF
LITTLE BARON TRUMP’S
EARLIEST ADMIRERS
THIS BOOK IS GRATEFULLY INSCRIBED.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHAPTER I.
Brief Account of the Little Baron’s Famous Ancestor,
the u Armless Knight,” 7
CHAPTER II.
Something about the Elder Baron, the Little Baron’s
Father — How the Elder Baron made the Ascent of
the Mountains of the Moon — Wonderful Escape of
the Elder Baron and Baroness from the Impenetra-
ble Fog, 12
CHAPTER III.
Birth of Bulger and the Little Baron in the Land of
the Melodious Sneezers — How the Little Baron was
Rescued from Death by His Faithful Bulger — The
Elder Baron’s Return to Europe — His Trouble with
the Little BaroiPs Tutors, 19
CHAPTER IV.
How the Elder Baron and Baroness, the Household Ser-
vants, and the Horses and Cattle, of the Baronial
Estates, all lost Flesh in consequence of the Elder
Baron’s Worrying about the Investment of the Little
Baron’s Fortune — How the Little Baron Solved the
Problem — How the Elder Baron Objected to the
Little Baron’s setting out on His Travels— "Steps
taken by the Little Baron to Overcome this Opposi-
tion, - 30
CHAPTER V.
The Little Baron’s First Voyage to Southern Seas,
with a Brief Account of how He Triumphed over
the Terrors of Port jNo Man’s Port and Rescued his
TABLE OF CONTENTS.
Vessel from the Terrible Calm— His and Bulger’s
Wonderful Experience with that Strange Folk, the
Wind Eaters — Their Attempt to Slay Him ; and, Bul-
ger’s timely Arrival, 39
CHAPTER VI.
The Elder Baron’s Gift of a Copy of a Roman News-
paper — The Strange Story it contained — How the
Little Baron, upon reading it, was moved to set sail
in Search of the Sculptors’ Isle — His Sojourn in the
Land of the Slow Movers — Its Effect upon Little
Baron — His narrow escape from becoming a Slow
Mover Himself. 103
CHAPTER VII.
Journey of Bulger and the Little Baron to Central
Asia — Bene-aga, the Blind Guide — Their Passage
through the Great Gloomy Forest and their Perilous
Flight down the Rocky Steps of Boga-Drappa —
Adventures among the Umi--Lobas or Man Hoppers,
in the Dominion of King Ga-roo, .... 133
CHAPTER VIII.
Visit of the Little Baron to Neptune’s Caldron — How
a Fearful Storm drove them on the Coast of China —
His and Bulger’s Adventures in the Kingdom of the
Sun, including an account of Bulger’s Arrest and
Trial — Although defended by the Little Baron, he
is sentenced to Death, ------ 210
CHAPTER IX.
How the Little Baron again left Home contrary to
Bulger’s Advice — Some Account of the Awful Storm
which cast them on the Island of Go-gu-lah — Adven-
tures among the Roundbodies who inhabited it — Mar-
riage of the Little Baron to Princess Rola-Bola
Utterly Incredible Manner in which the Little Baron
and Bulger made their Escape from the Domain of
King Bo-goo-goo, - -
260
TRAVELS AND ADVENTURES
LITTLE BARON TRUMP
* AND
HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
CHAPTEK I.
Short account of one of the little Baron’s most celebrated ancestors,
called “ The Armless Knight.” His wonderful strength and bravery.
How he followed Cceur de Lion to the Orient. His brilliant exploits
on the battle-field, under the walls of Joppa. His marriage in the
presence of Saladin and Coeur de Lion.
I come from one of the most
ancient and honorable families of
North Germany — famous for its valor
and love of adventure.
One of my ancestors, when just
entering the twenties heard at his
father’s table one morning, that Eng-
land’s great King Coeur de Lion was
about to lead an army against the infi-
dels.
“ Gracious parent,” cried the young
man starting up from his seat, his
eyes on fire, his cheeks ablaze, “ May
I join the Crusaders and nid in the
destruction of the enemies of our
holy religion ? ” “ Alas, poor boy ! ”
replied his father, casting a pitying
glance at the youth, who, through
some strange freak of nature had
been born armless, “thou wert not intended for ter-
rible conflicts such as await our cousin Coeur de Lion. Thou
SWORD STIRRUPS OF MY
ANCESTOR, THE FAMOUS ARMLESS
KNIGHT.
8 ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP,
lackest every means of weilding the battle sword, of couching
the lance. ’Twould be murder to set thy defenceless body before
the uplifted cimeter of the merciless Moslem ! My dear son,
banish such thoughts from thy mind and turn thee to poesy
and philosophy, thou shalt add new lustre to our family name
by thy learning .’ 7 “ Kay gracious parent, hear me ! ” urged the
youth with eloquent eye: “true, nature has denied me arms,
but she has not been so cruel as might be supposed for, as com-
pensation, she has given a giant’s strength to my lower limbs.
Dost not remember how last month, I slew a wild boar with one
blow from the heel of my hunting-boot ? ” “I do,” answered
the grim old Baron with a smile, “but — ” “Pardon my inter-
ruption noble father” came from the young man, “I shall go
into battle doubly armed, for to each stirrup shall I affiix a
sword and woe betide the Mussulman who dares meet me on
the battle-field.”
“ Go then my son ! ” cried the old Baron as the tears trickled
down his battle-scarred cheeks, “ go, join our royal cousin Coeur
de Lion and if thou, armless, canst withstand the fury of the
infidel, another glory will be added to the name of Trump, and in
this * ancestral hall shall hang a portrait of the 4 Armless
Knight,’ upon which for all time the lovers of valiant deeds
shall rest their wondering eyes.”
The joy of my young ancestor knew no bounds.
Scarcely staying to make needful preparations for his jour-
ney, with a handful of trusty retainers, he rode from the castle
yard amid the plaudits of thousands of fair women who had
gathered from the neighboring city to wish God speed to the
44 Armless Knight.”
’Twas not until the famous battle under the walls of Joppa
that my ancestor had an opportunity to give an exhibition of
his bravery, his extraordinary strength, and the resistless fury
of his onslaughts.
Not one, not five, not ten common soldiers dared face the
“Armless Knight.”
Whole squadrons recoiled in terror before this mysterious
avenger of the wrongs of Christendom, who, without hands,
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
9
struck down the Moslem warriors, as the grain falls before the
blast.
Again and again, Saladin sent the flower of his men against
the “Armless Knight,” whose strength and valor had already
made his name a terror to the superstitious soldiery. Little
realizing the terrible; fate awaiting him, the Moslem warrior
wouldst rush upon my ancestor with uplifted cimeter, when with
one blow of his sword-armed stirrup the “Armless Knight”
would cleave the breast of his foeman’s horse, and then trample
the infidel to death as he rolled upon the ground.
It was now high noon.
Upon an eminence, Saladin, watching the tide of battle, saw
with anxious eye the appalling slaughter of the very flower of
his army.
Already the name, rank, and nationality of my young ancestor
had been made known to the Moslem leader.
“La, il la ! Mahomed ul Becullah !” he cried, stroking his beard.
“ Blessed is the man who can call that Christian warrior his son !
How many of the Prophet’s children has he slain this day ? ”
“ Six hundred and fifty-nine ! ” was the answer given.
“ Six hundred and fifty-nine,” echoed Saladin, “ and it is but
noonday !” When nightfall came the number had been in-
creased to one thousand and seven.
Upon hearing of the terrible day’s work of the “Armless
Knight,” Saladin’s great heart bled, and yet he could not with-
hold his admiration for such wondrous skill and bravery.
“Go!” cried the magnanimous infidel Chieftain, “go, take
from my household that beauteous slave Koliilat, her with orbs
of lustrous black, the very blossom of grace and flower of
queenly beauty. Lead her to the “Armless Knight,” with
royal greeting from Saladin; his valor makes him my brother,
Giaour though he be ! Away !”
When the beautiful Kohilat was led into the presence of
my young ancestor, and the announcement made to him that
Saladin had sent her as a present to him, the “Armless Knight,”
with royal greeting as a token of his respect for one so young,
and yet so valiant, the first thought of the Christian youth
was to wave her indignantly from his presence.
10
ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP,
At that moment, however, Kohilat raised her large and lus-
trous eyes, and fixed them full upon the young man’s face.
t was more than human heart could stand.
Motioning her retinue to leave his tent, he advanced to her
side, with respectful mien, and said:
“ Kohilat, a strange fate has sent thee to me. The messen-
ger of the great Saladin imparts to me knowledge of thy good-
ness, thy amiability, and thy gifted mind, which holds within
its store most delightful imagery and useful knowledge as well.
He informs me that thou standest in the direct line of descent
from that famed princess of your land, Scheherezada, who for
a thousand and one nights held the thoughts of the Sultan
of the Indies so enthralled by the play of her brilliant fancy,
as to turn him aside from his terrible project of vengeance.
Dost think, Kohilat, that thou canst forget thy false god and
love only the true one ?”
“ Ay, my lord,” murmured the gentle Kohilat, “ if such be my
lord’s pleasure.”
A smile spread over the handsome face of my young ances-
tor. He would fain have met with more resistance in con-
verting the fair infidel to the true faith, but though he searched
that beautiful face long and closely for any sign of subtility,
yet saw he none.
“ ? Tis well, Kohilat.” he continued, “and now answer me, and
speak from thy heart. Art thou willing to become my wife,
according to the rites of the Christian church and the laws of
my native land?”
Again the beautiful Kohilat replied :
“Ay, my lord; if such be thy pleasure.”
The following day a truce was proclaimed, and in the presence
of the two great leaders of the opposing armies, Coeur de Lion
and Saladin, both surrounded by the most glorious retinue, my
young ancestor and the princess Kohilat were joined together
as man and wife by the royal confessor, the “Armless Knight”
towering above the surrounding multitude in his glittering
coat of mail like a column of burnished silver. When he
advanced to meet his dark-eyed bride, with the marriage ring
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
II
held between his lips, a mighty shout went up from both armies.
Saladin stroked his beard. Coeur de Lion made the sign of
the cross. In a short half hour the leaders had returned to
their camps, and war had resumed its awful work of destruction.
To this union of my renowned ancestor, the “Armless
Knight/’ with the Moslem maid, I attribute my possession of
an almost Oriental exuberance of fancy.
PORTRAIT OF MY FAMOUS ANCESTOR, THE “ARMLESS KNIGHT/*
WITH HIS MARRIAGE RING BETWEEN HIS LIPS.
12
ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP,
CHAPTER II.
The elder Baron uncertain as to the exact locality of my birth. Reasons
why will be given later. My parents traveling in Africa at this time.
The elder Baron’s remarkable ascent of the Mountains of the Moon.
Miraculous escape from the impenetrable fog. How accomplished.
In the land of the Melodious Sneezers. All that happened there.
How the King of the Melodious Sneezers conducted my parents in
great honor to his palace, and liOw they were treated by him.
While it lies within my
power to gratify the curios-
ity of my readers as to what
part of the world it was in
which I first saw darkness —
for I was born in the night —
yet, as to the nature of the
immediate spot on which I
was born, unfortunately I am
able to do more than repeat
my father’s words when ques-
tioned as to this point.
“ My son, if I were on my
death-bed I could only say
that thou wert either born in
the centre in a great lake, on
an island, upon a peninsular
THE MUZZLED MULES.
or on the top of a very high mountain, as I have often ex-
plained to thee.”
Let it suffice, then, gentle reader, for the present, for me to
inform you that at the time of my birth, my parents were
traveling in Africa ; that my father had just successfully
accomplished one of the most wonderful feats in mountain
climbing, namely, the ascent of the loftiest peak of the Mount-
ains of the Moon ; that his guides had abandoned him upon his
reaching a particularly dangerous spot in the ascent ; but that
he had pushed forward without them, and reached the summit
after several days of terrible privation, suffering both hunger
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
13
and thirst, — it being a peculiarity of the atmosphere after pass-
ing a certain height that the muscles of the face and throat
became paralyzed and the unfortunate traveler either perishes
from, hunger or thirst while in the very presence of delicious
fruit and cool, limpid water.
Upon rejoining my mother, who had accompanied him as
far up the mountain side as the best-trained and most sure-
footed mules could find a foot-hold, they proceeded to make
their way, as they supposed, to the valley from \Y^ich they had
first set out.
An inpenetrable fog now shut them in and they soon found
themselves hopelessly and helplessly wandering about.
On the morning of the third day the fog had even increased
in thickness, closing around them like a pall, almost shutting
out the light of day.
While groping about my father had come into contact with
the two beasts of burden which had served him in the easier
parts of the ascent. They were quietly and unconcernedly
browsing upon the sweet and tender shrubs which grew on the
mountain side.
Suddenly an idea came to my father. It was born of that
desperation which makes a man think long and hard before
lying down to die.
It was thus he reasoned : If these animals are permitted to
eat their fill whenever their appetites demand, they will be
quite willing to stay where they are, especially when they find
themselves surrounded by such excellent pastures, and, in
addition thereto, quite relieved from all toil. Let them, how-
ever, feel the pangs of hunger, or better yet, starvation’s tooth
at their vitals and their thoughts will at once revert to their
homes, their masters, their feeding-troughs and they will lose
no time in setting out for the village where they belong. With
the energy of despair, my father hurriedly bound a piece
of canvass over their mouths so that they could neither graze
nor drink and awaited the results of his experiment, with bated
breath, for the tears and groans of my poor mother, whose
strength was fast ebbing away, smote him to the very soul.
14
ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP,
After a few hours the animals rose to their feet and became
very restive, and in another hour their hunger had so increased
that they were making frantic efforts to feed, as my father could
easily tell from the jerking of the line which he had been care-
ful to attach to their headstalls.
After the fourth hour there was a long silence, during which
the animals seemed to be deliberating as to what course they
should pursue.
The fifth hour came.
My mother had sunk to rest, weak and weary, in my father’s
arms. Suddenly there was a tightening of the guiding lines.
Gently my father aroused his sleeping mate, whispering a
few words of comfort.
Again the lines tightened.
My parents were now on their feet, peering into the depths
of the impenetrable fog which shrouded them about and made
them even invisible to each other.
Hist ! the animals move again ! with a sudden impulse, as
if their minds had at last solved the problem which had been
bewildering them for several hours, the beasts, with violent
snortings turned from the spot, pushing through the shrubbery
and causing my parents to face quite about.
Evidently there was a complete accord between the conclu-
sions reached by their intelligence or instinct, for not once did
they pull apart or come to a halt, except when restrained by
my father. And thus my dear parents were saved ! All that
day and part of the next did they pursue their dreary way.
The fog at last lifted, and it was at once apparent to my father
that, although the animals were guiding them towards human
habitations, yet it was not the land he had quitted upon start-
ing out upon the journey to the mountain peak. The path
now became so plainly visible that my father removed the
improvised muzzles from the two animals and allowed them to
satisfy their hunger, which they proceeded to do with the
keenest relish. So worn out was my mother that she sank
helpless to the ground. Refreshing her with a draught of
spring- water and the juice of some wild grapes, my father
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
15
hastily prepared a bed of soft foliage, upon which they were
both glad to throw themselves after their long and weary tramp.
They had soon fallen into a deep and most delightful sleep.
How long they lay on their leafy bed, wrapt in their refreshing
slumber, they knew not.
It certainly was for many a long hour ; for when they awoke,
hunger was gnawing at their stomachs. Fain would they have
at once proceeded to gather fruit, had not their ears been
suddenly saluted with most extraordinary noises,, " They rubbed
their eyes and looked about and at each other, deeming them-
selves the sport of some merry jack-a-dreamer.
But, no ; they were wide awake and in full possession of their
senses. Again the strange sounds are heard and this time they
are nearer and clearer.
There is a rise and a fall, a swelling out and then a dying
away.
he sounds are jerky and snappy like and there is a singular
music in them.
Nearer and still nearer they come. Louder and still louder
they grow. “ Wild beasts ? ” whispered my mother half inquir-
ingly.
“Nay!” falls from my father’s lips. “Not unless human
beings may be so wild as to merit the name of beasts.”
“ Hark again ! ” murmured my mother.
There was no mistaking the sounds any longer, for, like a
chorus of many voices, shrill and piping, deep and grumbling,
soft and musical, harsh and gutteral, yet all in a sort of rude
and wild harmony, mingling in one mighty strain, now low and
scarcely audible and now breaking out with a fierce and seem-
ingly threatening vigor, the singers, chanters, howlers or what
they might be, rushed into the valley below us in a wild and yet
half regulated disorder.
They were human beings in savage garb, with painted faces
and clubs swung lightly across their shoulders. Whether
pausing or advancing they still kept up their wild and mysteri-
ous chant, choppy, jerky and snappy for all the world like a
thousand people who had just drawn plentifully from a thous-
and snuff boxes.
16
ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP,
“ Save me, husband ! ” cried my mother with pallid face. “We
shall be put to some awful torture by these wild children of the
forest.” A smile so gentle, and yet so calm, that it could not fail
to be reassuring spread over my father’s features.
“ Never fear !” said he, “ I know them, I’ve been seeking them !
What has been denied many a traveler stronger and bolder than
I, has been accorded to a member of the Trump family in the
most miraculous manner. W 7 hen we return to Europe every
Monarch, every learned society, will hasten to bind a medal on
my breast, for, dear wife, your husband is the first white man
to enter the land of the — ”
“The — ?” echoed my mother leaning forward and grasping
her husband’s arm.
“ Melodious Sneezers ! ”
“ Melodious Sneezers ?” repeated my mother with wide-opened
eye, and amusement seated in every feature.
“ Melo— ”
“ But she could get no further. To my father’s infinite amuse-
ment, she fell a-sneezing most violently. In such rapid suc-
cession did the sneezes flow that it sounded exactly like a dimin-
utive engine under full headway.
At last the fit seemed to have passed. “ Melo — ” but in vain ;
she could not reach the second syllable.
And now, in his turn, my father started off, slow at first but
going faster and faster.
Strange to say their sneezing soon began to catch the ways
of the country and blended thoroughly, keeping time in spite
of their efforts to check it.
“Know then, dear wife,” cried my father pantingly when
his fit was over, “that those strange people stretched on the
greensward below are the “ Melodious Sneezers that they
are not only perfectly harmless, but gentle, kind and peaceable
to an astonishing degree. Fear them not ! Their clubs are
only for game.” “ But why — ?” asked my mother warily lest
another fit should take her.
“I understand thee,” was the reply. “Listen. Know, that
in this valley and in the greater ones below, the air is always
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
17
filled with myriads upon myriads of insects of infinitessimal
size ; only the strongest microscope can give proof to your sight
of their actual existence. For countless generations, these
peaceable barbarians here have been subjected to the tickling
sensations which you and I have — ”
Again my poor parent fell a-sneezing in regular and musical
cadences, up and down, deep and shrill, now fast and faster, now
slow and slower until silence reigned again.
“ Just experienced,” resumed my father, “until it has ren-
dered the effort of sneezing quite as easy as breathing, and tak-
ing advantage of results which they soon discerned could not be
avoided, these children of nature were not slow to lay aside
their usual speech and literally talk by sneezes ! ”
“With them, a sneeze is capable of so many intonations, so
many inflections, that they find no difficulty in expressing all
the necessary feelings and sensations, — at least necessary for
them in their simple lives, as you shall see later on.”
Fain would my poor mother here express her passing won-
der but she dare not open her mouth. “ Come, dearest mate,”
cried my father gayly. “ Courage ! Let us descend into this
beautiful valley, for as yet we are only standing upon the bor-
ders of the “Land of the Melodious Sneezers” called in their
soft and musical tongue La-aali-chew-la.”
The pronunciation of this word again threw my poor par-
ents into a perfect whirlwind of sneezes ; but nothing daunted,
they advanced to meet the natives, who at first sight fell pros-
trate on their faces and for several moments kept up a low
plaintive hum of sneezes, with their noses thrust into the grass.
By degrees however, my father succeeding in convincing
them that he was quite as peaceably inclined as they were.
Whereupon the Melodious Sneezers performed a most singu-
lar and withal pleasing dance of joy, their feet keeping perfect
time with their chorus of sneezing.
As my father afterwards learned, the dance was to express
their intense gratitude to the “white spirits” for not having
eaten them alive.
The march homeward was now entered upon, my father
18
ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP,
walking hand in hand with the King Chew-chew-lo, and my
mother escorted by a score or more of his wives, the favorite
of the royal house being named Chew-la-ara-a-a and each suc-
cessive one according as she occupied a less lofty place in the
King’s affections having a shorter name until at last Chew -la
signified little better than a mere serving maid.
My father found that the villages of the Melodious Sneezers,
on account of the frequency and the violence of inundations
from the network of rivers which completely shut in their
land, consisted of houses or habitations built in the trees or
upon lofty piles.
He and my mother were lodged in one of the most commodi-
ous of the royal dwellings and so many slaves and attendants
were assigned to care for their wants that there was little or
no room to move about.
To their great sorrow, my father proceeded to dismiss several
hundred in order that he might get close enough to my mother
to converse without holloaing and then sent word to King
Chew-chew-lo that both he and my mother would need at least a
w r eek of perfect rest and quiet to regain their health and
strength after their terrible sufferings on the slopes of the
Mountains of the Moon.
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
19
CHAPTER III.
My birth. The elder Baron reads my horoscope. Birth of Bulger. The
elder Baron puts on mud-shoes and goes out for a walk. What he
discovers. My wonderful precocity. My love for Bulger. My terrible
fall into the lake of mud. How the Melodious Sneezers in their mud-
shoes attempted to rescue me. Their failure. Bulger comes to their
assistance. How I was dug out and restored to my mother. Remark-
able effect of the warm mud on my head and brain. The Melodious
Sneezers are afraid of me. My fondness for arithmetic and languages.
Our farewell to the Melodious Sneezers, and return home. How I
discharged my tutors, and how the elder Baron forced them to pay
for the instruction I had given them.
BULGER
WITH HIS MUD SHOES ON.
At this point my hand
trembles and the ink flows
unsteadily from my pen.
I am about to record certain
events which, I feel assured
the reader will agree with me
in considering to be the most
interesting of my strange and
varied life. Possibly I should
say interesting to me ; for,
gentle reader, one of these
“ certain events” above re-
ferred to is a no less import-
ant occurence than my birth
into this grand and beautiful
world — a world which has
proven to be full of wonderful
things and of more wonderful
beings, as you shall see as I go
on with my story.
I was born in midsummer.
It was the night season.
that wretched,
than all, like a c rim-
star, shone
Ten thousand stars twinkled over the cradle of
little, helpless, lump of clay ; but brighter
son torch flaming in the skies, Sirius, the dog
down upon me !
20
ADVENT LIKES OF LITTLE BAKON TRUMP,
My father looked up at the heavens and smiling, murmured :
“ Litile stranger, thou shalt ever be a lover of dogs. Thy smile
shall be joy to them, thy words music and in some four-footed
beast of their race shalt thou find thy best, thy faithfulest,
thy truest friend. ”
As if to set the very stamp of truth upon my father’s words
at that very instant a cry of a mother dog was heard in an
adjoining room and oue of the Royal household Chew-la-a, came
running into my presence with a basket of tiny puppies. My
father laughingly seized the wicker cradle of this newly
arrived family and holding it up to me, cried out :
“ Choose, little baron, choose thee a friend and companion.”
I put out my tiny baby hand and it rested upon one with a
particularly large head. “ Ha ! ha ! ” laughed my father, “ thou
hast well chosen, little baron, for him thou hast chosen hath so
much brain that his head doth fairly bulge with it.”
And when my infant tongue came to wrestle with that word,
it was twisted into “ Bulger. ” And thus it was that Bulger and
I started out on life’s journey at almost the same moment ’
Upon the following day my father made discovery that the
waters had begun to recede in the night, and as he looked down
from our lofty dwelling, he saw that it now stood apparently
in the centre of quite an extensive island. After breakfast,
in accordance with the custom of the country, my father put
on a pair of King Chew-chew-lo’s wooden shoes which were
worn by all of the Melodious Sneezers when attempting to
move about on the surface of the soft mud occasioned by the
inundation.
These wooden shoes are extremely light although quite as
long and as broad as snow shoes. The soles being polished, the
wearer is enabled to glide over the mud which, from the nature
of the soil is very oily, with the same rapidity as a runner upon
snow shoes.
After an excursion of several hours up hill and down dale my
father returned with this piece of strange intelligence, namely,
that their habitation had undoubtedly, prior to the falling of
the waters been situated in a lake ; but that by degrees, as
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER,
21
the waters had receded, an island had been formed, which
somewhat later had been transformed into a peninsula, which
in its turn by a still further sinking of the waters, had been
changed into the crown of a mountain with gently sloping
sides so that, as he reported to my mother, to his dying day
it would be impossible for him to say whether his son had been
born in a lake, on an island, upon a peninsula or on a mountain
top, a fact which pained him extremely, for, like all the mem-
bers of his family, he took the greatest pride „ in recording
important events with scrupulous exactitude, even to the small-
est detail.
Unlike most babes, who seem content to pass the first half
year or so of their lives eating, sleeping and crying, I from
the very outset displayed a most astonishing precocity.
When only a few weeks old, although I could not talk, yet I
had learned to whistle for Bulger, whose development in mind
and body seemed to keep even pace with mine and who passed
most of his time looking up into my childish face with an
expression which meant only too plainly :
“ Oh, I shall be so glad when that little tongue is unloosed
so that you may call me Bulger and bid me do your will.”
Nor had he long to wait.
The one thing, which, at this early period of my life gave
me most joy, was the sunlight.
Within doors, I was fretful, peevish, irritable, but once out
in the open air, my whole nature changed. I drank in the soft,
balmy atmosphere with a vigor and a satisfaction that
delighted my father. My face brightened, my eyes traveled from
valley to hill, from mountain-top to sky.
Into such an ecstacy of pleasure did this sight of* the great
world throw me, that my mother became anxious lest it presaged
some great evil that was to happen unto me.
But the stately Baron only smiled. “Fear nothing, wife, it
only means that within that little head dwells a most wonder-
fully active mind for a child of its months.”
Whenever Bulger heard his little master crying out in joy-
ful tones at sight of the beautiful world, he was sure to be
22
ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP,
seized with a fit of violent harking, during which he sprang
around about me with the wildest and most extravagant mani-
festations of sympathy.
Without a doubt, there was a wonderful bond of affection
between us.
To my mother’s — I had almost said horror, I, one day while
she was walking with me in her arms, upon the broad veranda,
which encircled Chew-cliew-lo’s palaces, attempted to throw
myself from her arms, crying out in German : Los ! Los ! (Let
me go ! Let me go ! ) I was but two months old and the loud
and vigorous tone in which I pronounced this first word which
I had spoken in my mother’s tongue fairly startled her.
I had, up to that time, apparently been more interested in the
soft and musical language of my royal nurse, Chew -la, in which
I could make myself understood very easily. About this time
an accident happened to me which, although it did not bring
about, it greatly hastened the release from parently restraint,
so ardently desired, both by Bulger and by me, for from my
very entrance into this world something told me that I should
be a famous child, not a mere, precocious youth who is made use
of by his parents at social gatherings to bore people already
in poor spirits, by mounting upon chair or table and declaim-
ing verses, parrot-like, with half a dozen woodeny, jerky ges-
tures ; but a genuine hero, a real traveler, not afraid to brave
a tempest, face a wild beast or bully a barbarous people into
doing as he wanted them to do.
It was my mother’s custom in the cool of the day to sit with
me on the broad veranda while she darned my father’s stock-
ings ; for, although of gentle birth, she had been so accustomed
when a girl to exericse German thrift in all things that now,
even though she had become the wife of a real baron, she could
not forego the pleasure of doing things in those good old ways.
And thus she saved my father many a pfennig which
the good man bestowed upon the worthy poor and went down to
the grave loaded with their blessings.
At such a time it was that a sudden fit of sneezing seized my
mother and to her unspeakable horror she let me slip from her
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
23
arms. Down, down I fell, striking in the soft mud and disap-
pearing from sight.
The poor woman dropped to the floor like lead.
The stately baron rose to his feet and the color fled from his
manly cheek.
But Chew-chew -16, who fortunately was paying a visit to
my father, only smiled.
“ Unfeeling barbarian !” roared the great baron, “ hast no
respect for a father’s tears, a mother’s anguish? Out upon
thee ! Would to heaven I had never entered thy domain !”
Chew-chew-lo spake not a work. Turning with imperious mien
and right royal manner towards a crowd of retainers, he waved
his hand.
Quicker than thought the band of Melodious Sneezers
sprang to their wooden shoes.
Away, away, they darted like black bats on the wing.
The baron saw that in his terrible grief lie had let his better
judgment slip away, and with pallid face and bended head
stood supporting the fainting form of his wife.
He felt, he knew, that his presence among the Melodious
Sneezers at this moment would only disconcert them, impede
their progress, and possibly so confuse them that all their
efforts might be in vain. They, from their childhood, were
so accustomed to wear those huge wooden shoes, to move about
on the surface of this treacherous mud, that if it were pos-
sible for human hands to restore his son to his arms, theirs
would do it.
And so he spoke a few words of encouragement in my
mother’s ear, and continued to stand like a statue, with his
gaze riveted upon the long files of Melodious Sneezers, as they
wound around the crest of the mountain to gain the spot where,
as they judged, I had disappeared.
Armed with their light, broad, wooden shovels, their dusky
arms rose and fell with wonderful precision and regularity,
keeping time with the musical notes of their sneezing ; now soft
and low, now breaking out into a wild and galloping measure.
Down ! Down ! Down !
24
ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP,
rHB.EE PORTRAITS SHOTTING THE WONDERFUL GROWTH OF TIT BRAIN.
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
25
And yet they delved in vain!
No sign of me was there to gladden the hearts of my poor,
grief -stricken parents.
But hark !
What is that shrill cry ?
It is not human !
No ; for it is Bulger’s bark, or rather it is Bulger’s yelp.
He had been watching the band of Melodious Sneezers, as
their white shovels rose and fell all in vain, with his head
thrust through the railings of the veranda.
No one was there with mind and heart enough to catch the
meaning of that poor yelp.
Ohew-chew-lo saw that his men were standing, leaning on
their shovels, with looks of doubt and hesitation in their eyes.
The King was silent.
It was the great baron who spoke :
“ Oh, let them not give o’er ! My life, my wealth, my all, are
thine, good, kind Chew-Chew ■”
A lit of sneezing cut short his appeal.
Again Bulger’s cry was raised, and this time the King
heeded it.
An attendant saw the royal nod, and hastening to bind broad
wooden cups upon the dog’s feet, he was turned loose upon the
surface of the mud.
What is man, with his boasted intelligence ?
They were ten paces or more distant from the point where
I had disappeared.
Yelping, barking, and whining by turns, my dear Bulger
hurried to the spot where his unerring scent told him that his
beloved little master had gone down.
Again the band of Melodious Sneezers set to work . with
renewed vigor, their white shovels hashing with strange effect
against the inky blackness of the mud.
Bulger encouraged them with loud and joyful barkings.
Suddenly a clear, ringing, melodious “chew” rent the air.
They had caught sight of me !
With rare foresight for one of my months, I had closed my
2G
ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP,
nostrils with one hand before reaching the mud, and had thus
saved my lungs from tilling up.
But how useless would have been this precaution, had not
my faithful Bulge]’ come to my rescue !
His joy now knew no bounds.
I thought that I caught a glimpse of a smile on the old
baron’s tear-stained cheek, as his boy was borne to the veran-
da, more like an animated lump of earth than aught else, for
the air had revived me. My eyes were not only wide open, but
they were the only clean place on my whole body.
Utterly regardless of my filthy condition, my fond mother
clasped me convulsively to her breast, and I verily believe that
she would have pressed her lips upon my mud-covered head
and face, had she not seen the baron’s broad palm held in
suspicious proximity, while her mother’s heart was emptying
itself out in words. A few basins of warm water, and I was
myself again.
No, I was never myself again. My bath in the warm mud of
La-aah-chew-la effected a most remarkable change in me; it
checked the growth of my body and turned all my strength
upwards into my head and brain.
In one short month my head almost doubled in size.
My baby face and expression were gone !
And ere another moon had filled her horns I had grown to
be a living wonder !
Not only was the size of my head something remarkable, but
from my eyes beamed an astonishing intelligence.
The poor women of La-aah-chew-la Land crouched in front of
me as if I were a being from another world and then tapping
their foreheads they approached my mother and whispered :
u Most gracious Chew-la-a-a-a-a-a the Great Spirit has made
a mistake and put two souls in there instead of one ! ”
And then they bent their graceful bodies till their foreheads
touched my mother’s feet and withdrew, going out backwards
like the best regulated court ladies, each leveling her finger at
me and opening wide her eyes as she disappeared through the
door.
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
27
The whole scene was so grotesque that I burst out into a
shout of laughter.
Upon hearing which, the poor creatures tumbled headlong
over each other in their mad efforts to get outside of the house,
shrieking at the top of their voices :
“ Save us ! save us ! He will bewitch us ! ”
“ Little Baron ! ” said my father in a tone of mock anger,
“ you should not have frightened the ladies of King Chew-chew -
Id’s Court ! v
Chew-pa ! Chew-pa ! (Idiots ! Idiots !) I replied, looking
up from my slate upon which I was working out an example
in arithmetic, for I was very fond of figures.
In fact, my father had already taught me addition by show-
ing me how to trade off worthless glass beads for valuable
ivory, and division, by taking away ninety cents from every
dollar I made. Long before I could read or write, I knew the
letters of several languages by name, and could spell any
word which had no silent letter in it. No one took more delight
in my wonderful accomplishments than Bulger.
He seemed to know instinctively that his little master was
no ordinary being and respected him accordingly. We now
bade adieu to the Land of La-aah- chew-1 a and the Melodious
Sneezers.
King Chew-chew-lo with a mighty band of retainers accom-
panied us to his frontier, making the forests resound with their
melodious chew-chew-a-ing. Standing on the old baron’s
shoulders, I waved them a last goodbye to which they answered
with such a perfect whirlwind of Chew-chew-a’s that Bulger
fairly howled with delight.
Any special honor paid to his master was always a personal
matter to him. The elder baron had intended to penetrate
still further into the heart of Africa; but the fact is, that the
continual growth of my mind was so wonderful that it engrossed
his attention from morn till night. He endeavored to hide this
from me; but all to no purpose.
Before I was two years old my brain had grown so heavy
that my mother was obliged to sew pieces of lead in the soles
28
ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP,
of my shoes to keep me right end upwards, and yet, in
spite of this precaution, I was often found standing upon
my head working out difficult mathematical problems by
making use of my toes, as the Chinese do their counting
machines.
The first thing which my father did upon reaching home w T as
to take me to a phrenologist in order to have a chart made of
my head.
The examination lasted a month.
At length, upon the completion of the chart, it was found
that I possessed thirty-two distinct bumps.
Well-developed ones, too !
It was, therefore, at once determined to engage thiry-two
learned tutors, each tutor to have charge of a separate bump
and to do his utmost tc enlarge it even if it grew to be a horn.
My father was resolved to leave nothing undone in order
to develop my mental powers to the utmost limit. I said
nothing either for or against the scheme.
In one short year I had learned all that the thirty -two tutors
could teach me, and, what is more, I had taught each one of
them fifty things which he had not known before, and which
I had learned while traveling in foreign lands with my parents.
One fine morning to the great surprise of my thirty-two tutors
I discharged the whole of them.
The elder baron at my suggestion now sent a bill to each
tutor for services rendered him by me.
Each tutor refused to pay.
The elder baron, at my suggestion, now caused legal process
to be served upon each one of them.
The court upon hearing my testimony rendered an opinion
which covered five thousand pages of legal cap paper and
required a whole week to read, in which they held that each
thing which I had taught to each one of my thirty-two tutors
was so remarkably strange and peculiar that in the eye of the
law it was worth at least one hundred dollars. That made
the bill of each tutor amount to five thousand dollars, or one
hundred and sixty thousand dollars in all.
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
20
The court then adjourned for a year, all three judges being
so worn out mentally and physically as to need a twelve
months’ rest before taking up any other business.
THE THREE WEARY JUDGES AS THEY APPEARED AT THE CLOSE OF MY SUIT
AGAINST MY TUTORS.
30
ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP.
CHAPTER IV.
How the elder Baron lost flesh worrying about the investment of my
money. Effect ot his anxiety on the rest of the household. I take the
matter in hand and devise ways to increase my fortune. I become ex-
tremely wealthy. When eight years of age I am seized with an
uncontrolable desire to visit faraway lands, and begin to pack up
I he elder Baron objects. How I set to work to get his consent. Wild
doings ot my playfellows. How we stormed the castle, broke up the
hawking, ruined the fox hunt, summoned the ten doctors, and set fire
to the neighboring fields. The elder Baron grows weary of my doings
and consents to let me go. My delight and Bulger’s joy.
The question which now
occupied my father’s mind to
the exclusion of all other
thoughts was how to invest
this large sum of money, so
that upon my attaining my
twenty-first year I would be
provided with a sufficiently
large income to live as a baron
should — particularly when he
belonged to so famous a fam-
ily as ours.
The fact of the matter is,
my father permitted this
question to prey upon his peace of mind to such an extent that
he lost flesh perceptibly.
My mother, too, seeing his lamentable condition began to fret
and worry to such a degree, that she likewise became greatly
emaciated. With their loss of flesh naturally their appetites
dwindled and little or no food was provided; or, anyway, no
more than was just sufficient to satisfy Bulger’s and my wants.
W r hereupon the servants began to lose flesh, both the indoor
and outdoor ones ; and in their desperate attempt to keep body
and soul together, the horses and cattle were fed upon short
rations, and the consequence was, they, too, soon began to fall
away.
THE ELDER BARON AND BARONESS
GREW VERY THIN.
AND HIS WONDERFUL DOG BULGER.
31
So it grew to be quite a serious sight to see my poor father
and mother reduced to mere skin and bones, driven about the
country by mere shadows for coachman and footman, and
drawn by four horses whose bones fairly rattled under their
skins when they were coaxed or beaten into a lazy trot.
Bulger and I alone retained our plumpness and good spirits.
At length I determined to interfere and put a speedy end to
OUR FAMILY COACHMAN BECOMES NOTHING BUT SKIN AND BONE.
this deplorable state of affairs. I exacted from the elder baron
a solemn promise that he would follow my directions to the
letter and not raise any objections, no matter how wild or
unreasonable they might appear to him, or to my mother.
Then bidding him to partake of some good, succulent food,
retiro early and get a nice long sleep, I saluted him respect-
fully and said :
32
ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BARON TRUMP,
“ Baron, until to-morrow morning ! ”
I had scarcely finished my breakfast when my door opened
and the elder baron walked into the room.
He looked much refreshed. The color had returned to his
cheek, the gleam to his eye.
He was already a different man.
“Here, gracious Sir,” I began, handing him a parchment
roll, “ is a list of all the best known almanac makers in our land.
Have interviews with them at once and purchase from them
the right to furnish weather progn
